Alone (but not lonely)

I usually don't get too personal in my blog, perhaps dreading looking back in a few years time at a post with regret, but I'm going to now, just because this particular painting inspired me to start a new journal (a moleskine) for my thoughts. In doing so maybe you will identify a little more with the paintings, with me,  or with your own private musings that never see the light of day (and probably for good reason).

'Alone'. This is how I feel. But I like it. In fact, it's delightful.

I never know what to do. I blunder.

I do consistently paint. For that I am happy.

I help others, now and then. I do my best.

Oh, the joy of being human.

Some online creators successfully hold a carrot on a stick, enticing all these women to believe they can sell their art, be in biz, etc. And these creators do model this well. But, sometimes it really bugs the shit out of me.

Interestingly enough I'm seeing some creators leaving behind old labels that they started out with...such as "the Goddess" or "the Astrologer". What will I leave behind?

If I was just an artist, how would that be?

Difficult.

Why do I struggle so?

I do love to empower women. I love being a witch. I am more than an artist. I am a guide. And so it is.

Written Dec. 15, 2015 in the wee hours during an Aquarius Moon.

About Kathy

Kathy Crabbe inspires soul-seekers to discover their innate gifts and talents through intuitive, creative expression in safe, relaxed and playful environments. She has been an artist forever and a Creative Soul Guide since awakening her own intuitive gifts at age forty.

Kathy lives in sunny SoCal with her husband and pet muses, Abby the shaggy black dog and Djinn Djinn, the small scruffy one in an adobe home they built themselves. Kathy is painting a Lefty-a-Day for 365 days and posting all works in-progress on Instagram at http://instagram.com/kathycrabbeart

Creative Soul Deck coming soon ~ get updates + win a deck here!

The Creative Soul Deck is especially for women who want to be inspired and inspire others in safe, playful, storytelling circles guided by beautiful imagery and powerful affirmations.

* indicates required

Email Address *

First Name

Last Name

Just a Travellin' Fool

Painting in process - acrylic and pastel on silk

Fear of intimacy, AIDS, bodily contact and exchange of fluids has led to our dependence on email and the internet where we can hide out and feel safe. (These ideas were discussed in the excellent movie "Me and You and Everyone We Know" by filmmaker Miranda July).

Each of us is alone in our cocoons, connected digitally and ephemerally, instant messaging each other. We are separate yet connected but we can't touch or feel one another so we reach out to strangers, millions of them:

"Save me from loneliness," we cry and our echo returns emptiness.

Are we really more connected now?

I see the internet as a new way of connecting - it is teaching us how energy works, similar to a soul reading, which for me involves reading a person's energy via distance - energy knows no time or space constraints - all time is now - we are all connected whether we know it or not.

I paint to extend emotions outward into the universe as the emotions become larger and more meaningful - myth-making in process.

My new paintings are filling up the wall of my living room! 

Each generation creates it's own definition of beauty often tearing down the previous generation's definition in the process.

I am part of Generation X: punk music, AIDS, the end of the Cold War - we ARE NOT Flower Children or hippies (the Boomer Generation) even if some of us are vegetarians. Our generation may appear 'dark' and aimless to the Boomers, but our reality growing up was dark.

"I ain't no mystic baby and I ain't no whore, just a travellin' fool with a beautiful soul". From the album "PippinTravels" by PippinJoy.

Musical Ambiance: "PippinTravels" - PippinJoy. Film Ambiance: "Me and You and Everyone We Know" - Miranda July.

Arrow of Pain

"Arrow of Pain" - acrylic & pastel on paper - 4'x5' 

I'm painting again. It's back to a more physical way of being - painting puts me in touch with my body, movement and physical expression and is a form of ecstasy and release. I paint to music, loud music and this also sets a mood, a tone, a feeling.

This new series of paintings begun on Monday, November 19th are a journey for me into intimacy. I am painting and writing together - the one engenders the other, not sure in what order.

This latest is titled "Arrow of Pain" and with it comes Realization. Going deeper, more intimate, more, more, more. What does it mean? Being scared, but of what? Facing all the pain that intimacy has engendered over the years, facing all the mistakes, the regrets, the paths taken. Going into and beyond the hurt to reach the other side. Going deeply into feeling, so deeply that one fears getting lost inside.

I face my alone-ness every day. Some days it hurts. Some days I can work through it. Today I paint through it because I feel the pain more acutely. We are always truly alone and it hurts.

Musical Inspiration: Paul Van Dyck, Bjork, Loreena McKennitt, Tori Amos, 80's pop.